Pathetic

There is a point in every relationship where you decide that you are safe enough to be honest. Honest about who you are what you are afraid of and what your dreams really are. I think that for the majority of my life people didn't take me seriously. Around the age of 16 I made a plan, it was clear, solid and did not leave room for many things. When dad died I clung even tighter to this plan. It was my shield against the world, the way I was going to survive. Then I got pregnant, of course it was not part of the plan. In fact it was the one thing that truly meant I would have to be close to someone again. Close enough to allow myself to be hurt, close enough to truly love another soul. I was terrified.
Letting myself love another person meant that it could happen all over again, and I might not pull through it. In the end life has a way of forcing us to love again to live even if we don't want to. Recently this fear of having children and ruining their lives and the terror of actually being part of the world (as opposed to just existing in it) was brought up again. Recently it was regurgitated back at me with partial accuracy as to what I said, and none of what I felt. I have been labeled pathetic.
Interestingly enough I will not argue. My survival ability has not been ruined, my spirit is unbroken. On the contrary! I will take your pathetic comment in stride. Currently I seem to be beyond anger, hurt, or despair. I guess maybe I am pathetic, but there is an upside. I've always believed that if you do not like who you are, decide what you'd rather be and make the changes. Life is not easy and we all get lost thank you for showing me what I have done wrong and the changes that I need to make in order to be a better person.

Drowing and sleeping

Night time is the worst for me. The quiet and the dark loosen ones imagination. Since I was young I haven't slept well, or kept regular hours. Maybe I could blame insomnia or the strange hours my mother tends to keep. Either way it doesn't really matter what the cause is.
I lay awake at night thinking, worrying... whatever. Tonight I am missing my dad so much it hurts. I spend the night clinging to what I do remember wishing I'd taken care to remember every tiny detail of every moment I ever spent with him. Of course after that I remind myself I was only a kid, I seemed so young then. Not that I'm old now... seriously I'm not old ok. It really kills me I was so stupid to take it for granted. What terrific fools young girls make.
If by chance I escape my relentless torturous regret, then the dreams come. I am certain I'm not the only one who has realistic dreams, but this knowledge does little to comfort me when I wake. Vivid images, tastes, smells, everything seems real. The other night it was my fingertips bleeding full of glass no matter how much I pulled out, there was still more. I love to dream, when the dreams are not like that! Most people would classify this particular dream as a nightmare, but again I'm not like that. Besides my nightmares carry with them uncontrollable fear even upon waking. Fear to live or breathe and most definitely fear to fall asleep again. One time a fear that became all to real. I had known there was something inherently different about that dream. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach never went away. You know the feeling that usually leaves as you return to consciousness, and truly realize the horror that unfolded was not real. I swallowed this fear for almost a month before it actually happened. An entire month I lived hoping it was only a childish fear of a silly dream. I knew. When he actually did die, so did I. I knew. I knew and I did nothing, I could do nothing. That's what I tell myself to survive, to keep afloat from one day to the next.
If you're drowning but not down yet, just keeping your head above water, you're alive but you aren't really living are you? So in my attempt to return from drowning I tell myself there is nothing I could have done to save such a wonderful man, to keep the center of my world breathing. For a year I saw him everywhere. In the Land Cruiser at the Maverik, speeding past me on the freeway, everywhere I do there I am and so was he. After the "sightings" stopped I started to miss them and I found myself sleeping every spare second hoping for a dream of him. When that didn't work I started drinking and avoided sleeping altogether. Here we are again, afraid to sleep but trying desperately, hoping for one more moment with my father. Dying to die, ha. Sorry bad joke, what will I say when I do see him again? Another bad joke "I was just dying to see you daddy!" Until then I will just have to be satisfied and learn to live with the rest of the world, sleeping or not here I come.
Just one more thank you to the one who saved me from drowning in the first place. I am forever in your debt and I am sorry for ever being so cruel to you. I was a child and that is no excuse. Thank you for keeping me safe even from myself.

Catch 22 perhaps?

I find myself wondering what it is about me that makes it so hard to understand what I want. Many times I've been told a person can tell exactly what I'm thinking by the look on my face. Now in the middle of the night I am confused. Recently I've begun to very clearly state the things I need both emotionally and physically. This seems to be working terribly. It's horrific! Perhaps it's because now that I've come right out and said it and still been denied it, it seems a slap in the face. On the other hand no one likes a person who appears needy, as I must with so plainly expressing myself. It is a catch 22 I suppose. Everyone asks what it is I want and need, they just really don't want to hear it.

As is such, it seems, with holiday plans as well. Everybody asks politely what you would like to do, listens calmly and proceeds to tell you what they expect you to do. All this with complete disregard to your plans and wishes. Lovely time of year this is and again what a hot little Scrooge I make.

Oh alright I'll finish with my whine fest. Just let me say this family is great. Your loved ones will always be your greatest asset and you should cherish them with all your heart.

I miss my daddy, obvious given the time of year and such, but it seems more that I miss the person I thought I could be because he believed in me.

All the little shattered moments in life may never all fit together in what you thought would be the "big picture". Don't cling to those shards, don't depend on them so much that you lose sight of where you wanted them to take you. If you do all you end up with are bleeding hands and the pain of losing who you are and who you want to be.

Halloween

Of course in my off little way Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. Granted I wasn't allowed trick or treating as a kid and costumes were always a fight, as an adult and one with a kiddo, I still love the idea of Halloween. Dressing up to scare away the evil creatures that rise from hell just gets me all giggly inside.

And yes, just so you know I did tell my 4 year old son that we dress up in costumes to scare away monsters and ghosts. Surprisingly enough, it made him even more excited to be Optimus Prime. What a brave little one! I really do love his spirit. This type of enthusiasm and wonder should be celebrated any day.. even Sunday. Occasionally I feel I might be calling on the wrath of an angry lynch mob for saying "Holidays are days to be celebrated on the day they fall on." The 4th of July is the celebration of our countries release from neglect and tyranny. One of the most defining days in our history as Americans gets pushed aside for Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in God and that he should be celebrated loved and worshipped. I also believe that God also celebrates the days we hold dear. If you love someone what they love also becomes important to you as well.

Here again feel the risk of backlash from my fellow Utahns... to this I say "kiss my behind". I know only one god this god rejoices in the freedom of man, so I'm pretty sure the 4th is covered and Martin Luther King Day. Halloween though.. has its very pagan "faults". Either way Halloween has been recognized and sanctioned by many churches therefore making it acceptable to celebrate on the sabbath. My plan is as follows..... trick or treat Saturday and Sunday and Monday and....

Well you get the point, Halloween should be everyday because I love it! I hope sincerely that those of us who choose to trick or treat on Sunday will not be treated poorly or looked down upon. Though a word to the wise... chances are the candy will be gone by Sunday. The early Optimus get the gummy worms! Happy Candy Day.... oh wait... Happy Halloween and happy trick or treating guys!

Summer Break

So I finished all my homework and submitted my final efforts to earn a passing grade. It's summer for me.. for exactly 2 weeks and 5 days. Life rocks!! Might I offer a suggestion to those of you who might start your college late? Take summer semester off! SERIOUSLY.

Although I have been camping twice, helped my mother after heart surgery and thrown a fabulous birthday celebration for my bug, I'm missing summer! I know all these things sound absolutely fabulous (yes I'm kidding) what I've done the rest of the summer is play catch up. Summer time seems to taunt me with all the time I should be spending with my son. Those six hours of writing that research paper he was begging to go to the park. The four hours of research he just wanted mommy to cuddle him. How much is this worth? Everything... nothing... Hopefully everything! Next year I refuse to spend another summer in front of the computer.

Summer semester blows and I'm burned out. Other than that I must say for a four year old you couldn't get a more understanding little one. Mommy has to do homework... so he runs by giving me just enough kisses ans hugs to let me know he's still waiting. Waiting for that drink, or snack, or the trip to anywhere he was promised. "When mom finishes her homework we can go." Tough life this learning full time. Mostly for the little one. What a trouper my little one is, I really love him and all his horrific mouth noises too!!

Beyond Irritated

Now generally I'd like to think of myself as an amicable person. Laid back easy going kinda girl. Though I have never denied there are lines, lines that should not be crossed. As a person I don't think I have an abnormal amount of these lines. Definately less than others I know... When a particular person tries my boundries I get angry but I'm quick to forgive. Now there is of course a limit to good nature and it is not a grand idea to push that limit. It is ugly, to say the least.

Unfortunately my lines are rarely spoken and until now I thought obvious to detect. HAHA there is no limit to the insensitivity of others. As of late I seem to have encountered a particular person who is completely oblivious to social cues of any kind. An amazing subject in the study of nature or nurture. I don't like to think anyone could be born so ignorant to what might offend a women. Obviously I must face the fact that this might in fact be possible.

Now the choice I am left with is.. do I hold this individual accountable for thier actions or do I ignore it as you would ignore an impudent child. Honestly I'm not sure it will matter either way. Any comment or remark I may have about said behavior will be prompty ignored. How long can an individual go through life being rude, crass and down'right offensive claiming ignorance?

At any rate I no longer feel I need to subject myself to the behavior of said person. Currently I am still unsure as to what I am going to do. My typical method is to wait until something offensive is said (which is inevitable) and pounce. Not litterally! I'm not a physical attack kind of person. More or less the end result of reaching my limit is an all around assault on a persons character. Down to what they might be wearing, speech habits, the sound they make when they chew... All in all this is a bad place for anyone to be, including me. I do hate the ugliest part of me and feel I let it go all to often.

How else do I get through to somebody who might not get it any other way? Maybe if I just avoid the situation a bit the answer will come shining through. I've already reached the very edge of my patience anyway. What harm could a few days do? Maybe I can just suck it up forever. Meh probably not, lets not kid ourselves.

Motivation

Up to this point I haven't really said much about myself or my situation. I am mid-twenties headed back to school. When I enrolled I was very confident there would be more help available such as day care. Never once did I expect my motivation or drive to fail me. This is what I've wanted for near 12 years give or take a few. Most people will tell you a 14 yr old girl doesn't know what they want right then, much less what they want to be in the future. Everything about me screams to the contrary. So recently my lack of motivation for my schooling has shocked and depressed me. Fortunately I was assigned to a group project in motivation, a god send from a class I hate. Go figure! While researching my portion of the assignment I found this website.

http://www.motivation-tools.com

Not only does it describe what I have always thought to be fundamental in running a business; it also is written based on experience.

I switched my major a while back for various reasons. Originally I had planned for a BS in Business Management, currently I'm listed as a 2yr Accounting major. Fundamentally not to far apart since my first semester classes all count toward the accounting. Although they are just not the same. Reviewing my topic of motivation did not call into question my motivation for school. I knew already I was lacking the drive to become an accountant. Reading about the experiences of others regarding failed types of management drew my attention to why I am unhappy with accounting.

I love knowing the accounting, its by far my favorite class. However I have always wanted to implement my own standards of management in the work I do. Who wants to work for someone else when you know you could run a better ship? Now I'm not getting cocky believe me there are many people more qualified, and more educated in leading a team. I am just willing to be a part of whatever team I lead and that is a true rarity in the world of business. Personally I blame my father. Those who knew him, and especially those who worked for him can understand why I might feel this way. Life is a struggle, unfortunately it is often a struggle to survive financially. Why toil in despair for others? Work hard to see yourself and those you work with succeed! In small business run properly a success for the owner is a success for the entire workforce. This is how life should be on any scale.

In short stop by this website, see for yourself why I want a degree in Business Management. I want to change the situations I've been in, working for big business, for myself and others. Just see if I don't!

Meandering through life

I've been a little burned out lately and got to thinking about life. Sometimes I dare to hope for things that may not be within my grasp. Things that would be the icing on the cake, so to speak. Occasionally the daily struggle of life drags me into an ocean of gloom.
In my sea of unhappiness there is an island with white sandy beaches the perfect amount of shade and warm waters. There I am happy anyway, even though I may be marooned for all eternity in the same place. My days are filled with laughter and love, and of course the occasional argument just to round things off nicely.
On days I'm down and feeling stuck in life I still have to be thankful. My husband is my island and my son the constant joy. No matter what comes along in life, or doesn't, I will always be happy. The sun will always shine in my heart and there will always be a reason to hope for more.
So today I decided that my hope for things I may never have is ok because I've already gotten everything I want. There must be a limit to how happy one person can be. I hope that I never find my limit and pray that you never find yours.

Stupid teacher

You know I'd just like to explain to you that my having to miss your class is not a personal attack on you. Fortunately you think highly enough of yourself that questioning your "teaching" ability has never crossed your mind. Congratulations dear for hitting a nerve today. Ma'am you have a way of inspiring people. "Why don't you drop out until you can get your life together?" Yes! That's it I was always wondering what I should say to someone who is extremely stressed that they had to miss 2 weeks of school recently. How can I ever thank you? I am amazed, really.

Again I would like to tell you that missing your class is in no way, a personal attack on you or your teaching style. However, if I were missing school just because I got sick of you rambling about a chapter you've already required us to read, while adding no new information..... well then I'd just ignore you all together. I must have misconstrued the part of my social education that taught me if you care, you let people know what is going on to be polite. Apparently, this world asks that when you must be absent you get in much less trouble if you ignore the fact that it ever happened. Maybe that is why I get catty remarks.

I've thought about it though and you're right. Dropping out of school and waiting for things stop happening so that I can "get my life together" is a great idea. Then when I'm 80 and senile I might be able to come back and try for an education. Novel concept, maybe I could get it done sooner if I just decided to pull all my teeth out and live in a bubble! That way I'd never have teeth that need to be pulled on a day you hold class! Although that troublesome car injury might give me trouble again sometime in my life. Hell that could be a permanent injury! Guess I'll ever be able to go to school to bad for me... I just couldn't get my life together enough.

Sorry to have wasted your precious time with my silly dreams of a college education. You could have spent all that time.... I don't know, regurgitating chapters from a book to a room full of people who could care less. Again my apologies.

To great friends

Tonight I was thinking about some very basic things about me. To be specific the type of guys I tend to fall for... I once had a best friend many years ago who, like most best friends, knew me better than I did. For my birthday she gave me a great tape and a pin that says "I love Cowboys" both of which I still have. All these years I've kept them to remind me where I started out. A little quiet, pretty dorky and well, bookish. While I was thinking I realized that this very simple truth "I love Cowboys" held in it much more than just that. Of course every girl likes a nice Wrangler butt every now and then. Mine I'm sure is much more than that. This small pin was a complete pre-cursor to my entire life (up til now). What amazing foresight, honey I love you!!! You rock!

While this seems like such a small realization to others, to me it was huge! My friend from so many years ago, guessed at what has become a life long trend for me. Amazing. Naturally, this "aha" moment is brought to you by music. Namely "I'm goin' out with my boots on." by Randy Houser. Ya I'm bad I know, but I'm just sooooo good at it! So ya, most the men I tend to date are exactly as he's describing himself in that song: Dirty old hats, crooked lil grins, calloused hands, boots, Copenhagen rings. Yeah I dated a few bad habits, but yet again they were sooooo fun. Which now bring me to my husband :)

Girl you were right, I definitely love myself a cowboy! Although I would have to say he's a great balance of country and city, which has been a problem in the past. I'd have to say he cleans up better than good. Though he has that 'lil something, maybe an attitude that you get from hard work and horse sweat. At any rate, we're a good fit and I'm glad that I have a thing for that crooked lil grin. I just can't help it. Either way even if I don't talk much about my past it means a lot to me. You girls taught me a lot about me, being a girl, and standing up for myself. I'm so grateful for the time I had with you and wish it'd been more.

God grants us limited time together. What we do with that time defines us as people. You girl, are great. Love you tons, forever!

Thanks for nuthin!!

I would like to thank the truck driving industry. Thank you for "training" people in two weeks and putting them on the road in killing machine asap.

There used to be a time when truck drivers were courteous, prepared, respectful, careful, safe, and knowledgeable. Granted there was once a time when all drivers conducted themselves honorably. Keep in mind that an 18 wheel truck is nothing like a 4 wheel car!

More and more often I find myself giving a "professional" driver more credit than they deserve. I drive a lot and more often I find myself put in a dangerous situation because a driver is not paying attention. I am sad to say that it is rare to find a CDL driver who can actually drive! I do know many drivers, however I see a lot more on the roads and they scare me! Texting in a regular car risks lives, texting while piloting a loaded (or unloaded) tractor-trailer is insanity!

I used to admire CDL drivers for their skill and constant vigilance while driving. Now I get away from them as quickly as possible. If you are a CDL driver and you are angered by this, feel free to leave a comment. Hopefully you will also be mindful of your own habits and communicate the short comings of others. Today I was cut of my a Flying J driver pulling doubles. Of course, you all know that Flying J hauls fuel and usually in doubles, as was the case today.

I drive a VW GTI, two door little hot-hatch. I love my car and the fact that its small! However, regardless of size I never would have pulled a move like this driver did. Obviously the hazmat test and training must have slipped this fellow's mind right. I agree that a lot probably slipped his mind, since he was busy chatting away on a cell. He must have missed the BRIGHT RED car already in the lane he didn't check!

All I ask is that when you climb out of your sleeper take 5 minutes. Consider the size of your truck, the size of an average family car, and the life of the cutest 'lil 3 year old I've ever seen. Yes you are bigger, yes you are on the road more, but those are the 2 best reasons for you to be safe! In a single moment of distraction you could murder me, my baby boy, and many other people in many cars all in a split second. Can you live with that?

Wedding Dresses

Recently I've taken a job selling wedding dresses. For someone who is very not "girlie" this is an incredible challenge. I expected it to be hard, and do not look forward to pimping myself as required for the job. However helping other women find a wedding dress they love is not as challenging as I had originally imagined!



In my first week I've found many girls feel the way I felt when I was looking for my dress. I am shocked! The task I dreaded most in planning my own wedding was finding a dress. I had no idea where to begin what to look for, what size I wore and definitely clueless as to what was underneath one of those! Looking back I still feel I made the right choice for me and even though I work with many many beautiful dresses I'm very much in love with mine.



Relating to the women who come in is much easier then expected, as is judging likes and body styles. So what you ask am I doing up at 5am stressing about my job. Well its not finding the right dress, its selling it. Getting them to take it out the door is my problem. So far I've had 3 out of 5 brides find the dress they won't be able to top. None of them have bought it. I'm a failure! My one task is to find them the "one" dress and send them home with it. I've found the dresses......



Either way, its keeping me up. I come home at night with images of gorgeous bridal gowns filling my thoughts. Most girls would love this, to dream of not only beautiful gowns but ones that are real! I hate it!!! I'm going bonkers. I can no longer function in society and my fingers hurt from zipping up dresses. Now I know why the rich used to have servants to dress them. It would have been impossible to lace a corset and dress yourself. Zippers are of course a great invention, but those also require help on even the simplest gowns.



The evolution of the wedding dress is amazing as well. If you are planning to get married soon take some time to look up the tradition and superstitions associated with modern day wedding rituals. Great insight into the evolution of our culture. It will also make you think about what tradition is important to your individual background and why. This will in turn help you customize and personalize your own ceremony and bridal attire, making your special day even more special to you and your groom.

Daddy's Girl

Dear Dad,

It seems as though another year has come and gone without you. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss you. People don't understand me, not like you did. Not once did I thank you for the time you spent listening while I cried about silly girl stuff. All those nights I was frustrated with myself and you helped me through it. My ambition and sanity come from you. I just wanted you to know. I should have said something, I should have stayed home, I should have done many things, none of which I can change now.

I wrote a speech for your funeral, it was one of my best. Even though I wasn't able to make it I'm sure you heard. My heart has screamed it for years. For 3 months I stayed in bed, I'm sorry if it disappointed you, I'm better now. So that is good. You taught me many things, they're starting to sink in, I promise I'm getting better!

That dream still haunts me, the one I wouldn't tell you about. I knew it would come true and I couldn't bear to tell you of your end. Sometimes I lay awake at night scared that I'll have it again. Silly of me because on bad days it play in my head like a broken record. I found someone who doesn't understand but is patient with me anyway.

Thank you for my baby, I'm sure you talked him into being my son. He makes mouth noises too, but I'm sure you already knew that. He has a great sense of self and reminds me of you a lot. Often I wish that he could visit you, you'd absolutely adore him. I struggle to remember that you know and do see him often. I'm losing my connection to that side of existence and I'm scared to lose you. When I feel like I'm starting to forget it hurts even more that you're gone.

Do you know how many lives you touched? We should have had you services in a much larger venue. I've never seen so many people gather for one person. I know that there were many others wishing they could have made it! You could see the respect that people had for you one their faces. So many people loved you and miss you still. I am honored that you are my father. My daddy and that you loved me, and thought I was worth your time.

The value placed in me and my opinions allowed me to value myself and helped build my own sense of self-worth. You gave me the greatest gift a parent could give any child! The person I am and will become is a direct result of the time you spent. Daddy, you treated me like I was someone and like I had something to offer. I will never forget that ever.

I will not allow others to tear me down, or make me feel inferior because I know better. You taught me that. Everyday I step out my door with confidence and modesty, knowing that I am someone. Thank you for making me who I am and giving me the tools to succeed in life. I miss you and I won't ever stop. It will hurt until the day I die and that's ok because it helps me remember who I am and how I got there. I love you daddy.

Your Little One

Music

I love music! There are so many beautiful things that can come from music. The power of music can draw us together, tear us apart, communicate feelings without words, and dictate our mood. Nothing compares to a good soundtrack!

I think about this as I listen to one of my many play lists (of course). This one I simply labeled fun, because its just fun to listen to! Now playing: Santana and Rob Thomas "Smooth". Total awesomeness to say the least. What would I give to be as incredibly talented and Carlos Santana?!?

There is song that sums it up for me. David Allen Coe's "The Ride" the chorus goes as follows:

He said drifter can you make folks cry when you play and sing,

Have you paid your dues?

Can you moan the blues?

Can you bend them guitar strings?

He said boy can you make folks feel what you feel inside?

Cause if you're big star bound let me warn you its a long hard ride.

A great performer can make you feel what they feel. Great songs can lift your spirit or help you understand another's point of view. If you can connect emotionally to a song or movie feel lucky that you've found a great piece of work in dying arts.

My father and I definitely grew up differently and had many different tastes. However we often agreed on music. Good music spans many gaps. I'll never forget the day I was listening to Jewel on the big stereo in the dining room. I was sure that he would ask me to turn it off. Instead I got the exact opposite reaction! Dad actually told me he really liked her and that my favorite song on the CD was also his favorite. I was stunned, completely amazed that not only had he taken the time to evaluate what I liked, but he was willing to admit that it had any value. I was constantly surprised at the value my father held in the things I liked and what I was interested in!

So if you are a parent, please take the time to be interested in your children. They might actually have some very valuable things to offer. If you are a kid, or even an adult, your parents definitely have many useful tidbits to share. Take the time to listen to someone else, or their music, it will teach you many things about them and their generation. Knowledge is precious and should be sought anywhere possible.

Just to leave you with a closing thought. My father and I would always joke about the fact that he listened to Aerosmith when he was my age and I also love them. Often we would opt to listen to the oldies station because it's what I preferred. I cherish greatly the memories of long drives with my father, singing the same songs and listening to the stories of his life when they came out. Wishing that you could still get 2 hot dogs and a Coke for a quarter. There is so much that we might never know. If we never take the time to listen, we miss the stories of the past and may never know about our beginning.

Dear Me, SLOW DOWN!!!

Recently I've rediscovered the feeling of not doing enough. "Surprise, surprise" says the overachieving procrastinator. (Yes it is quiet possible, I'll explain someday.)
I thought this was something that had passed after the countless night spent crying to my dad and the resulting hole in wall. Patience knows an end in most anybody. In my seeming regression, I find another link to that girl I used to be. The girl who didn't change poopies, and clean up other peoples' puke. Not saying I'd go back, but I do occasionally miss her.

Now reasonably not much has changed, just a baby and a husband. However that is just enough to make you feel like you no longer know yourself. An unfortunate side effect of not being quiet ready. No, I think its more, never having considered the idea until I was in the middle of it. Now for a girl who never wanted to be tied down to anything, I think I'm adjusting beautifully to the new me!!!

So where I wonder could I do more? I think I'll get another job. Sure the one I have is great but really guys 6hrs a week? Ya definitely could replace that one asap. Maybe it just guilt I'm feeling for my recent lack of motivation. Maybe its that reoccurring nightmare that just happened to come true. Talk about your rotten luck! I think maybe I just miss my daddy. Why is it that I'm doing the things I'm doing? Is it really because I'm good at it, which I think I am, nah I know I am. Or is it because that's what he did, and in doing it I feel closer to him? Stupid things to wonder about huh. Maybe what I should be wondering is which therapist to go to. Or maybe I should just turn myself in before they commit me anyway!

Life always has that one twist in it that makes you realize you're never going to be the same. How we decide to handle it is what defines us as people. Good or bad it's how we handle the situations we create, as well as the ones we are handed. There is a lot in my life I've done that was wrong, or handled poorly. Not much of it I would change though. Every decision, good, bad or indifferent has led me here making me who I am. Now I'm not entirely happy with who that is just at this moment, but I will be! I have come to accept at least one thing and that is I am exactly who I choose to be. Right now I'm choosing to be better than I was yesterday, and tomorrow I will be better than I am today.

Eventually I will be exactly what I have been wanting for so many years. Life is a journey, I think I'll be on my way!