Pathetic

There is a point in every relationship where you decide that you are safe enough to be honest. Honest about who you are what you are afraid of and what your dreams really are. I think that for the majority of my life people didn't take me seriously. Around the age of 16 I made a plan, it was clear, solid and did not leave room for many things. When dad died I clung even tighter to this plan. It was my shield against the world, the way I was going to survive. Then I got pregnant, of course it was not part of the plan. In fact it was the one thing that truly meant I would have to be close to someone again. Close enough to allow myself to be hurt, close enough to truly love another soul. I was terrified.
Letting myself love another person meant that it could happen all over again, and I might not pull through it. In the end life has a way of forcing us to love again to live even if we don't want to. Recently this fear of having children and ruining their lives and the terror of actually being part of the world (as opposed to just existing in it) was brought up again. Recently it was regurgitated back at me with partial accuracy as to what I said, and none of what I felt. I have been labeled pathetic.
Interestingly enough I will not argue. My survival ability has not been ruined, my spirit is unbroken. On the contrary! I will take your pathetic comment in stride. Currently I seem to be beyond anger, hurt, or despair. I guess maybe I am pathetic, but there is an upside. I've always believed that if you do not like who you are, decide what you'd rather be and make the changes. Life is not easy and we all get lost thank you for showing me what I have done wrong and the changes that I need to make in order to be a better person.