Recently I've rediscovered the feeling of not doing enough. "Surprise, surprise" says the overachieving procrastinator. (Yes it is quiet possible, I'll explain someday.)
I thought this was something that had passed after the countless night spent crying to my dad and the resulting hole in wall. Patience knows an end in most anybody. In my seeming regression, I find another link to that girl I used to be. The girl who didn't change poopies, and clean up other peoples' puke. Not saying I'd go back, but I do occasionally miss her.
Now reasonably not much has changed, just a baby and a husband. However that is just enough to make you feel like you no longer know yourself. An unfortunate side effect of not being quiet ready. No, I think its more, never having considered the idea until I was in the middle of it. Now for a girl who never wanted to be tied down to anything, I think I'm adjusting beautifully to the new me!!!
So where I wonder could I do more? I think I'll get another job. Sure the one I have is great but really guys 6hrs a week? Ya definitely could replace that one asap. Maybe it just guilt I'm feeling for my recent lack of motivation. Maybe its that reoccurring nightmare that just happened to come true. Talk about your rotten luck! I think maybe I just miss my daddy. Why is it that I'm doing the things I'm doing? Is it really because I'm good at it, which I think I am, nah I know I am. Or is it because that's what he did, and in doing it I feel closer to him? Stupid things to wonder about huh. Maybe what I should be wondering is which therapist to go to. Or maybe I should just turn myself in before they commit me anyway!
Life always has that one twist in it that makes you realize you're never going to be the same. How we decide to handle it is what defines us as people. Good or bad it's how we handle the situations we create, as well as the ones we are handed. There is a lot in my life I've done that was wrong, or handled poorly. Not much of it I would change though. Every decision, good, bad or indifferent has led me here making me who I am. Now I'm not entirely happy with who that is just at this moment, but I will be! I have come to accept at least one thing and that is I am exactly who I choose to be. Right now I'm choosing to be better than I was yesterday, and tomorrow I will be better than I am today.
Eventually I will be exactly what I have been wanting for so many years. Life is a journey, I think I'll be on my way!
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