There is a point in every relationship where you decide that you are safe enough to be honest. Honest about who you are what you are afraid of and what your dreams really are. I think that for the majority of my life people didn't take me seriously. Around the age of 16 I made a plan, it was clear, solid and did not leave room for many things. When dad died I clung even tighter to this plan. It was my shield against the world, the way I was going to survive. Then I got pregnant, of course it was not part of the plan. In fact it was the one thing that truly meant I would have to be close to someone again. Close enough to allow myself to be hurt, close enough to truly love another soul. I was terrified.
Letting myself love another person meant that it could happen all over again, and I might not pull through it. In the end life has a way of forcing us to love again to live even if we don't want to. Recently this fear of having children and ruining their lives and the terror of actually being part of the world (as opposed to just existing in it) was brought up again. Recently it was regurgitated back at me with partial accuracy as to what I said, and none of what I felt. I have been labeled pathetic.
Interestingly enough I will not argue. My survival ability has not been ruined, my spirit is unbroken. On the contrary! I will take your pathetic comment in stride. Currently I seem to be beyond anger, hurt, or despair. I guess maybe I am pathetic, but there is an upside. I've always believed that if you do not like who you are, decide what you'd rather be and make the changes. Life is not easy and we all get lost thank you for showing me what I have done wrong and the changes that I need to make in order to be a better person.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Drowing and sleeping
Night time is the worst for me. The quiet and the dark loosen ones imagination. Since I was young I haven't slept well, or kept regular hours. Maybe I could blame insomnia or the strange hours my mother tends to keep. Either way it doesn't really matter what the cause is.
I lay awake at night thinking, worrying... whatever. Tonight I am missing my dad so much it hurts. I spend the night clinging to what I do remember wishing I'd taken care to remember every tiny detail of every moment I ever spent with him. Of course after that I remind myself I was only a kid, I seemed so young then. Not that I'm old now... seriously I'm not old ok. It really kills me I was so stupid to take it for granted. What terrific fools young girls make.
If by chance I escape my relentless torturous regret, then the dreams come. I am certain I'm not the only one who has realistic dreams, but this knowledge does little to comfort me when I wake. Vivid images, tastes, smells, everything seems real. The other night it was my fingertips bleeding full of glass no matter how much I pulled out, there was still more. I love to dream, when the dreams are not like that! Most people would classify this particular dream as a nightmare, but again I'm not like that. Besides my nightmares carry with them uncontrollable fear even upon waking. Fear to live or breathe and most definitely fear to fall asleep again. One time a fear that became all to real. I had known there was something inherently different about that dream. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach never went away. You know the feeling that usually leaves as you return to consciousness, and truly realize the horror that unfolded was not real. I swallowed this fear for almost a month before it actually happened. An entire month I lived hoping it was only a childish fear of a silly dream. I knew. When he actually did die, so did I. I knew. I knew and I did nothing, I could do nothing. That's what I tell myself to survive, to keep afloat from one day to the next.
If you're drowning but not down yet, just keeping your head above water, you're alive but you aren't really living are you? So in my attempt to return from drowning I tell myself there is nothing I could have done to save such a wonderful man, to keep the center of my world breathing. For a year I saw him everywhere. In the Land Cruiser at the Maverik, speeding past me on the freeway, everywhere I do there I am and so was he. After the "sightings" stopped I started to miss them and I found myself sleeping every spare second hoping for a dream of him. When that didn't work I started drinking and avoided sleeping altogether. Here we are again, afraid to sleep but trying desperately, hoping for one more moment with my father. Dying to die, ha. Sorry bad joke, what will I say when I do see him again? Another bad joke "I was just dying to see you daddy!" Until then I will just have to be satisfied and learn to live with the rest of the world, sleeping or not here I come.
Just one more thank you to the one who saved me from drowning in the first place. I am forever in your debt and I am sorry for ever being so cruel to you. I was a child and that is no excuse. Thank you for keeping me safe even from myself.
I lay awake at night thinking, worrying... whatever. Tonight I am missing my dad so much it hurts. I spend the night clinging to what I do remember wishing I'd taken care to remember every tiny detail of every moment I ever spent with him. Of course after that I remind myself I was only a kid, I seemed so young then. Not that I'm old now... seriously I'm not old ok. It really kills me I was so stupid to take it for granted. What terrific fools young girls make.
If by chance I escape my relentless torturous regret, then the dreams come. I am certain I'm not the only one who has realistic dreams, but this knowledge does little to comfort me when I wake. Vivid images, tastes, smells, everything seems real. The other night it was my fingertips bleeding full of glass no matter how much I pulled out, there was still more. I love to dream, when the dreams are not like that! Most people would classify this particular dream as a nightmare, but again I'm not like that. Besides my nightmares carry with them uncontrollable fear even upon waking. Fear to live or breathe and most definitely fear to fall asleep again. One time a fear that became all to real. I had known there was something inherently different about that dream. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach never went away. You know the feeling that usually leaves as you return to consciousness, and truly realize the horror that unfolded was not real. I swallowed this fear for almost a month before it actually happened. An entire month I lived hoping it was only a childish fear of a silly dream. I knew. When he actually did die, so did I. I knew. I knew and I did nothing, I could do nothing. That's what I tell myself to survive, to keep afloat from one day to the next.
If you're drowning but not down yet, just keeping your head above water, you're alive but you aren't really living are you? So in my attempt to return from drowning I tell myself there is nothing I could have done to save such a wonderful man, to keep the center of my world breathing. For a year I saw him everywhere. In the Land Cruiser at the Maverik, speeding past me on the freeway, everywhere I do there I am and so was he. After the "sightings" stopped I started to miss them and I found myself sleeping every spare second hoping for a dream of him. When that didn't work I started drinking and avoided sleeping altogether. Here we are again, afraid to sleep but trying desperately, hoping for one more moment with my father. Dying to die, ha. Sorry bad joke, what will I say when I do see him again? Another bad joke "I was just dying to see you daddy!" Until then I will just have to be satisfied and learn to live with the rest of the world, sleeping or not here I come.
Just one more thank you to the one who saved me from drowning in the first place. I am forever in your debt and I am sorry for ever being so cruel to you. I was a child and that is no excuse. Thank you for keeping me safe even from myself.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Catch 22 perhaps?
I find myself wondering what it is about me that makes it so hard to understand what I want. Many times I've been told a person can tell exactly what I'm thinking by the look on my face. Now in the middle of the night I am confused. Recently I've begun to very clearly state the things I need both emotionally and physically. This seems to be working terribly. It's horrific! Perhaps it's because now that I've come right out and said it and still been denied it, it seems a slap in the face. On the other hand no one likes a person who appears needy, as I must with so plainly expressing myself. It is a catch 22 I suppose. Everyone asks what it is I want and need, they just really don't want to hear it.
As is such, it seems, with holiday plans as well. Everybody asks politely what you would like to do, listens calmly and proceeds to tell you what they expect you to do. All this with complete disregard to your plans and wishes. Lovely time of year this is and again what a hot little Scrooge I make.
Oh alright I'll finish with my whine fest. Just let me say this family is great. Your loved ones will always be your greatest asset and you should cherish them with all your heart.
I miss my daddy, obvious given the time of year and such, but it seems more that I miss the person I thought I could be because he believed in me.
All the little shattered moments in life may never all fit together in what you thought would be the "big picture". Don't cling to those shards, don't depend on them so much that you lose sight of where you wanted them to take you. If you do all you end up with are bleeding hands and the pain of losing who you are and who you want to be.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Halloween
Of course in my off little way Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. Granted I wasn't allowed trick or treating as a kid and costumes were always a fight, as an adult and one with a kiddo, I still love the idea of Halloween. Dressing up to scare away the evil creatures that rise from hell just gets me all giggly inside.
And yes, just so you know I did tell my 4 year old son that we dress up in costumes to scare away monsters and ghosts. Surprisingly enough, it made him even more excited to be Optimus Prime. What a brave little one! I really do love his spirit. This type of enthusiasm and wonder should be celebrated any day.. even Sunday. Occasionally I feel I might be calling on the wrath of an angry lynch mob for saying "Holidays are days to be celebrated on the day they fall on." The 4th of July is the celebration of our countries release from neglect and tyranny. One of the most defining days in our history as Americans gets pushed aside for Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in God and that he should be celebrated loved and worshipped. I also believe that God also celebrates the days we hold dear. If you love someone what they love also becomes important to you as well.
Here again feel the risk of backlash from my fellow Utahns... to this I say "kiss my behind". I know only one god this god rejoices in the freedom of man, so I'm pretty sure the 4th is covered and Martin Luther King Day. Halloween though.. has its very pagan "faults". Either way Halloween has been recognized and sanctioned by many churches therefore making it acceptable to celebrate on the sabbath. My plan is as follows..... trick or treat Saturday and Sunday and Monday and....
Well you get the point, Halloween should be everyday because I love it! I hope sincerely that those of us who choose to trick or treat on Sunday will not be treated poorly or looked down upon. Though a word to the wise... chances are the candy will be gone by Sunday. The early Optimus get the gummy worms! Happy Candy Day.... oh wait... Happy Halloween and happy trick or treating guys!
And yes, just so you know I did tell my 4 year old son that we dress up in costumes to scare away monsters and ghosts. Surprisingly enough, it made him even more excited to be Optimus Prime. What a brave little one! I really do love his spirit. This type of enthusiasm and wonder should be celebrated any day.. even Sunday. Occasionally I feel I might be calling on the wrath of an angry lynch mob for saying "Holidays are days to be celebrated on the day they fall on." The 4th of July is the celebration of our countries release from neglect and tyranny. One of the most defining days in our history as Americans gets pushed aside for Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in God and that he should be celebrated loved and worshipped. I also believe that God also celebrates the days we hold dear. If you love someone what they love also becomes important to you as well.
Here again feel the risk of backlash from my fellow Utahns... to this I say "kiss my behind". I know only one god this god rejoices in the freedom of man, so I'm pretty sure the 4th is covered and Martin Luther King Day. Halloween though.. has its very pagan "faults". Either way Halloween has been recognized and sanctioned by many churches therefore making it acceptable to celebrate on the sabbath. My plan is as follows..... trick or treat Saturday and Sunday and Monday and....
Well you get the point, Halloween should be everyday because I love it! I hope sincerely that those of us who choose to trick or treat on Sunday will not be treated poorly or looked down upon. Though a word to the wise... chances are the candy will be gone by Sunday. The early Optimus get the gummy worms! Happy Candy Day.... oh wait... Happy Halloween and happy trick or treating guys!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Summer Break
So I finished all my homework and submitted my final efforts to earn a passing grade. It's summer for me.. for exactly 2 weeks and 5 days. Life rocks!! Might I offer a suggestion to those of you who might start your college late? Take summer semester off! SERIOUSLY.
Although I have been camping twice, helped my mother after heart surgery and thrown a fabulous birthday celebration for my bug, I'm missing summer! I know all these things sound absolutely fabulous (yes I'm kidding) what I've done the rest of the summer is play catch up. Summer time seems to taunt me with all the time I should be spending with my son. Those six hours of writing that research paper he was begging to go to the park. The four hours of research he just wanted mommy to cuddle him. How much is this worth? Everything... nothing... Hopefully everything! Next year I refuse to spend another summer in front of the computer.
Summer semester blows and I'm burned out. Other than that I must say for a four year old you couldn't get a more understanding little one. Mommy has to do homework... so he runs by giving me just enough kisses ans hugs to let me know he's still waiting. Waiting for that drink, or snack, or the trip to anywhere he was promised. "When mom finishes her homework we can go." Tough life this learning full time. Mostly for the little one. What a trouper my little one is, I really love him and all his horrific mouth noises too!!
Although I have been camping twice, helped my mother after heart surgery and thrown a fabulous birthday celebration for my bug, I'm missing summer! I know all these things sound absolutely fabulous (yes I'm kidding) what I've done the rest of the summer is play catch up. Summer time seems to taunt me with all the time I should be spending with my son. Those six hours of writing that research paper he was begging to go to the park. The four hours of research he just wanted mommy to cuddle him. How much is this worth? Everything... nothing... Hopefully everything! Next year I refuse to spend another summer in front of the computer.
Summer semester blows and I'm burned out. Other than that I must say for a four year old you couldn't get a more understanding little one. Mommy has to do homework... so he runs by giving me just enough kisses ans hugs to let me know he's still waiting. Waiting for that drink, or snack, or the trip to anywhere he was promised. "When mom finishes her homework we can go." Tough life this learning full time. Mostly for the little one. What a trouper my little one is, I really love him and all his horrific mouth noises too!!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Beyond Irritated
Now generally I'd like to think of myself as an amicable person. Laid back easy going kinda girl. Though I have never denied there are lines, lines that should not be crossed. As a person I don't think I have an abnormal amount of these lines. Definately less than others I know... When a particular person tries my boundries I get angry but I'm quick to forgive. Now there is of course a limit to good nature and it is not a grand idea to push that limit. It is ugly, to say the least.
Unfortunately my lines are rarely spoken and until now I thought obvious to detect. HAHA there is no limit to the insensitivity of others. As of late I seem to have encountered a particular person who is completely oblivious to social cues of any kind. An amazing subject in the study of nature or nurture. I don't like to think anyone could be born so ignorant to what might offend a women. Obviously I must face the fact that this might in fact be possible.
Now the choice I am left with is.. do I hold this individual accountable for thier actions or do I ignore it as you would ignore an impudent child. Honestly I'm not sure it will matter either way. Any comment or remark I may have about said behavior will be prompty ignored. How long can an individual go through life being rude, crass and down'right offensive claiming ignorance?
At any rate I no longer feel I need to subject myself to the behavior of said person. Currently I am still unsure as to what I am going to do. My typical method is to wait until something offensive is said (which is inevitable) and pounce. Not litterally! I'm not a physical attack kind of person. More or less the end result of reaching my limit is an all around assault on a persons character. Down to what they might be wearing, speech habits, the sound they make when they chew... All in all this is a bad place for anyone to be, including me. I do hate the ugliest part of me and feel I let it go all to often.
How else do I get through to somebody who might not get it any other way? Maybe if I just avoid the situation a bit the answer will come shining through. I've already reached the very edge of my patience anyway. What harm could a few days do? Maybe I can just suck it up forever. Meh probably not, lets not kid ourselves.
Unfortunately my lines are rarely spoken and until now I thought obvious to detect. HAHA there is no limit to the insensitivity of others. As of late I seem to have encountered a particular person who is completely oblivious to social cues of any kind. An amazing subject in the study of nature or nurture. I don't like to think anyone could be born so ignorant to what might offend a women. Obviously I must face the fact that this might in fact be possible.
Now the choice I am left with is.. do I hold this individual accountable for thier actions or do I ignore it as you would ignore an impudent child. Honestly I'm not sure it will matter either way. Any comment or remark I may have about said behavior will be prompty ignored. How long can an individual go through life being rude, crass and down'right offensive claiming ignorance?
At any rate I no longer feel I need to subject myself to the behavior of said person. Currently I am still unsure as to what I am going to do. My typical method is to wait until something offensive is said (which is inevitable) and pounce. Not litterally! I'm not a physical attack kind of person. More or less the end result of reaching my limit is an all around assault on a persons character. Down to what they might be wearing, speech habits, the sound they make when they chew... All in all this is a bad place for anyone to be, including me. I do hate the ugliest part of me and feel I let it go all to often.
How else do I get through to somebody who might not get it any other way? Maybe if I just avoid the situation a bit the answer will come shining through. I've already reached the very edge of my patience anyway. What harm could a few days do? Maybe I can just suck it up forever. Meh probably not, lets not kid ourselves.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Motivation
Up to this point I haven't really said much about myself or my situation. I am mid-twenties headed back to school. When I enrolled I was very confident there would be more help available such as day care. Never once did I expect my motivation or drive to fail me. This is what I've wanted for near 12 years give or take a few. Most people will tell you a 14 yr old girl doesn't know what they want right then, much less what they want to be in the future. Everything about me screams to the contrary. So recently my lack of motivation for my schooling has shocked and depressed me. Fortunately I was assigned to a group project in motivation, a god send from a class I hate. Go figure! While researching my portion of the assignment I found this website.
Not only does it describe what I have always thought to be fundamental in running a business; it also is written based on experience.
I switched my major a while back for various reasons. Originally I had planned for a BS in Business Management, currently I'm listed as a 2yr Accounting major. Fundamentally not to far apart since my first semester classes all count toward the accounting. Although they are just not the same. Reviewing my topic of motivation did not call into question my motivation for school. I knew already I was lacking the drive to become an accountant. Reading about the experiences of others regarding failed types of management drew my attention to why I am unhappy with accounting.
I love knowing the accounting, its by far my favorite class. However I have always wanted to implement my own standards of management in the work I do. Who wants to work for someone else when you know you could run a better ship? Now I'm not getting cocky believe me there are many people more qualified, and more educated in leading a team. I am just willing to be a part of whatever team I lead and that is a true rarity in the world of business. Personally I blame my father. Those who knew him, and especially those who worked for him can understand why I might feel this way. Life is a struggle, unfortunately it is often a struggle to survive financially. Why toil in despair for others? Work hard to see yourself and those you work with succeed! In small business run properly a success for the owner is a success for the entire workforce. This is how life should be on any scale.
In short stop by this website, see for yourself why I want a degree in Business Management. I want to change the situations I've been in, working for big business, for myself and others. Just see if I don't!
Not only does it describe what I have always thought to be fundamental in running a business; it also is written based on experience.
I switched my major a while back for various reasons. Originally I had planned for a BS in Business Management, currently I'm listed as a 2yr Accounting major. Fundamentally not to far apart since my first semester classes all count toward the accounting. Although they are just not the same. Reviewing my topic of motivation did not call into question my motivation for school. I knew already I was lacking the drive to become an accountant. Reading about the experiences of others regarding failed types of management drew my attention to why I am unhappy with accounting.
I love knowing the accounting, its by far my favorite class. However I have always wanted to implement my own standards of management in the work I do. Who wants to work for someone else when you know you could run a better ship? Now I'm not getting cocky believe me there are many people more qualified, and more educated in leading a team. I am just willing to be a part of whatever team I lead and that is a true rarity in the world of business. Personally I blame my father. Those who knew him, and especially those who worked for him can understand why I might feel this way. Life is a struggle, unfortunately it is often a struggle to survive financially. Why toil in despair for others? Work hard to see yourself and those you work with succeed! In small business run properly a success for the owner is a success for the entire workforce. This is how life should be on any scale.
In short stop by this website, see for yourself why I want a degree in Business Management. I want to change the situations I've been in, working for big business, for myself and others. Just see if I don't!
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